Are you wondering, "Is my boyfriend the right guy for me?" So were these readers! Check out what our dating coach had to say.
Is My Boyfriend the Right Guy for Me
Reader Question
I met one of the rare 'relationship guys' online. We see eye-to-eye, he talks in terms of 'us' etc. But he lives 30 minutes from me and does not drive. I am not comfortable with him taking the bus and feeling that I have to take care of him until a bus comes. The very thought is killing the attraction for me (some man/woman dynamic thing). Will I lose him if I say I cannot date him until he has made room for me? Including being able to take me on a proper date and not working seven days a week? If I tell him we could date others until he is set up, does that help? Or should I relax and allow this? He is great but I just cannot seem to except this.''-- Contributed by: Erin
Expert Reply
Dear Erin,
A mistake that online daters make is confusing how someone seems online with how she or he actually is in-person. Online or phone technology should be used as a method of introduction. It should be used to collect enough information to get of sense of who the other person is before you agree to meet him or her. Once you have a good sense, then it's time set up a time to meet. Meeting in real time allows two people to discover whether or not the expectations and information shared up to that point match up with the reality of 'being with' the other person.
Sometimes, people delay meeting for too long. When this happens, each person develops in his or her minds eye an impression of what it will be like to be with the other person. This can lead to an illusion as well as a delusion of what the person is actually like. You have been having an artificial relationship with this guy. I am guessing that the two of you have been making plans, flirting and being romantic. Nevertheless, how romantic is it to learn that your guy doesn't drive, can't take you on a date and has reasons for not seeing you in-person? Not very! I am sure that he has a good reason for not driving, but the reality is that it is not a reason you share.
You and this guy don't share the same value/priority system. Worse is the more dependent he makes himself sound, the more of a turn-off he is becoming. Instead of directing your attention toward men with similar values to your own, your attention is focused on someone who is dissimilar. Your questions suggest that you doubt your own values and are wondering if you should be considering lowering your own standards? The answer to your question is you should be in a relationship with a man who shares your values, including independence and prioritizing love and family.
Tell this man that if he wants to date you, he will need to pick you up in a car. He will need to plan the date and let you know what day and time he will be picking you up. Give him a deadline to meet and if he chooses not to meet that deadline, then tell him you have enjoyed getting to know him via technology, but you prefer being with a man in reality.
~~Lori
Second Chance
Reader Question
Hello, last month my ex and I broke up. He was my first real boyfriend. I was his first real girlfriend. I even lost my virginity to him. When we broke up it was very out of the blue. He texted me one morning, very random, and ended it. I later found out it was because he was in a tough spot in his life (he had moved out on his own for the first time to a new town a few months before and had a new job and everything) and didn't really understand himself why he dumped me. I told him I wouldn't wait around and that I would date other guys, which I did. The ex and I didn't talk for a couple weeks then decided to try being friends. About a month after the break up, I was currently dating another guy. My ex and I were hanging out at his house in his room. We started talking about us and then were suddenly kissing. We told each other how much we missed each other. After that, I broke up with the guy I was seeing (who was a very sweet guy) and got back with my ex. We were amazingly happy for the next week together. By the end of the week, I started to notice a couple little things that made our relationship shaky the first time we were together. I didn't want to go down the same path, so I told him they needed to go. It ended up starting a huge fight and we broke up. Later I realized my mistake and tried to apologize but he had thought about how the relationship wouldn't work the second time around. He told me he doesn't like "telling people" he "has a girlfriend" like I would be some sort of burden to his independence. I tried to tell him that is the last thing I want to do but he just settled on telling me he is confused. I am in love with him and don't know what I can do. Did I mess up my second chance completely?-- Contributed by: Sarah
Expert Reply
Dear Sarah,
Bad relationships are like riding in a car. You're either the passenger or the driver. When you're the driver your view is focused on driving. There is limited periphery and you're focus is mostly the road while getting to your destination. Very little focus is on the passenger. When you're the passenger you get to take in the scenery and let the other person assume responsibility for ensuring the safe arrival. As the passenger, you're willing to be subservient to the driver. Regardless of which seat you're in, you see things through a very narrow lens. Same with bad relationships; you're either driving the relationship trying to make it go where you want or along for the ride and letting the other person be in control. The problem is that relationships don't work out when couples behave as though the relationship is a car ride. When it becomes impossible to ignore the hazards on the road ahead, we all tend to be backseat drivers. Experts who are very willing to tell the other person what he needs to do to fix things.
Before your ex left to be on his own, you recognized there were problems with some of his behaviors. As you pointed out in your question,"by the end of the week, I started to notice a couple little things that made our relationship shaky the first time we were together. I didn't want to go down the same path, so I told him they needed to go." The first time around, you were willing to ignore the problems and go along for the ride. Maybe sometimes you and your ex switched seats and you were the driver and he was the passenger, but that didn't last for very long. When the relationship ended the first time, he was definitely was in the drivers seat. Therefore, it's not surprising that when the opportunity for the two of you to get back together came around you grabbed it. The second time around you moved from the passenger seat to the driver. Once you pointed out the behaviors that were getting in the way of the relationship, your ex put on the brakes and switched seats. He ended the relationship rather than work with you to improve it.
The only mistake that you made the second time around was not recognizing how quickly you were willing to switch seats from driver to passenger. That isn't good for the relationship and it isn't good for you as a woman. Your ex was your first so he will always hold a special place in your heart, but that doesn't mean you ignore problems. Healthy relationships are easy to spot. Both people want to work through problems as they arise in order to strengthen the bond between them. You can love someone who is bad for you and you can love someone who is good for you. Loving someone who is good to you is easier than loving someone who isn't.
~~Lori
