How much weight should you put into the words of a drunken call from your boyfriend? With a reader, get advice from our dating coach on the truth found in a drunken phone call and how you should deal with it.
Drunk Man Talking Advice
Reader Question
I've been in and out of a six year relationship, but things have never been official. A few weeks ago, he called me drunk while also on a few lines of coke and poured his heart out to me for about four hours. He said things like, "I'm so glad you're still here, you could have left so many times; I think about you so much; I only want to be with you, promise me you will only be with me; other girls mean nothing to me; I am so sorry for the way I've treated you in the past." For a few weeks after that, things got so much better with us. We talked everyday and hung out. He just seemed to really want to make things work with us, even more so than in the past. A few nights ago, while he was getting ready to go back to school, I decided to make sure I knew where we stood. I asked him if I could trust him around other girls when he was away. He said he couldn't promise me anything and that we don't have any commitment to each other. I asked him about what he had said a few weeks ago during his drunk dial to me, he blamed it on him being drunk, and that he barely remembers any of what he said. So what I was wondering is that even though he was drunk, could any of what he said and the way he treated me following his drunk dial actually be true? Because now after I confronted him on hopefully staying faithful while he is away at school, it was like everything he had said is now bull... and means absolutely nothing. Could he be scared to want to be with only one girl? Because I tried to ask him about the next few months, we ended up getting in a big fight and now he says this has gone on too long, it has to end. Why did everything suddenly go sour when I asked him about being with only me (he even said that's what he had wanted). Now he says things are done for?
-- Contributed by: Anonymous
Expert Reply
Dear Anonymous,
When your guy called you on the phone to talk, he was high and drunk. Had he called and said, "I am planning on running for president and I want you to be my vice president." I doubt that you would've stayed on the phone listening to him for the next four hours expound about his campaign ideas and why he thinks he should be the next president. Instead, he said romantic things like, "I'm glad you're still here," and "I only want to be with you, promise me you will only be with me." You enjoyed staying on the phone hearing him pour out his heart. It made it easier for you to hold these words as the gospel truth of his love and devotion. The problem is that when he said those things he was not coherent, he was high. This does not mean that everything he said was a lie, it means that everything he said was drug and alcohol induced. Worse, is that sober he can't remember what he said when he was high.
It doesn't sound like your guy is 'scared' to want to be with only one girl. Based on what you have written about the way he behaves when he's sober, I'd say he is not ready to be with only one girl. When you tried to get him to commit to you while he was away at school, he wouldn't. Your disappointment and his lack of committing ended with the two of you fighting and your relationship going sour. It is hard for you hear he does not like you the same way. He said this when asked if you could trust him around other girls, and he responded by saying he could not promise anything.
The two of you have a history of 'on again,' 'off again' romance. It is likely that when this guy comes back from school and doesn't have any other girl to be with, he will try to hook-up with you. He will continue to take advantage of the fact that you are in-love with him. In order for this to stop happening you need to be the one to let go of him and move on. This won't be easy for you. By letting go of "hoping" that one day this guy will fall in-love with you, you are making room for someone who is able to love you as you are.
~~Lori
