Are you having an affair with your besties man? Get advice on how to handle the situation and if the truth is the best option. Also, explore your own feelings with a dating coach.
Cheating on Your Best Friend With Her Guy
Reader Question
I have known this guy for almost a year now. At first I thought he was really attractive but WAY too young for me (I was 21 at the time he was only 17). I ended up getting with one of his family members and he got with one of my really good friends. Our friendship has been great (we are still close friends and he looks at me like a big sister he's never had). Well we hung out just the two of us (big sisters/little brothers do it all the time) and just sat and talked about our relationships (he proposed to my friend just a month ago and I helped pick out the ring). We started playing around tickling each other. Then he started talking about how turned on he was! (My fault since I knew it was affecting him. But didn't think nothing of it, cuz again… he looked at me like a big sister). I took it as him just messing with me and we continued on tickling and wresting. Next thing I know we are in a lip lock and hands are going EVERYWHERE! I stop it almost immediately and tell him we should stop since he is engaged to my friend. He tells me that it's nothing to worry about, it's just how I have touched him and how he hasn't been near a girl in a while (his girl is on vacation with family). I keep telling him to stop cuz it's not fair to her and he kept kissing and touching and doing everything he knew that would turn me on. Somehow everything went out of my head... and we ended up having sex! Afterwards he told me it was a one-night thing that I shouldn't let pass through my head again and definitely shouldn't mention to anyone. I'm just sitting here dumbfounded now. I don't know what to do! Should I tell her? Should I stop talking to him? Cuz now all the old feelings I had from him since the beginning have came back. Mrs. Lori help me!-- Contributed by: Confused in Friendship
Expert Reply
Dear Confused,
When two adult people engage in flirting behaviors and/or sexual behaviors, they are equally responsible for what has occurred. This is true even when two people are highly turned on, leading to kissing and sex while also being in a committed relationship with someone else. You are no more or less guilty for the sexual encounter that happened between you and your good friend's fiancé than he is. Both of you betrayed the trust of the same woman. Calling it a one-night thing doesn't make the behavior or the burden of responsibility less.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Honesty and truthfulness are the brick and mortar of trust. When that trust is broken, damage occurs to the bond between two people. Some relationships can withstand an affair and the couple is stronger because of working through the damage. Other relationships don't fare so well. Should you tell your girlfriend the truth of what happened between you and her fiancé, she may not be able to forgive you or him. If you withhold this information and she later finds out, it will most definitely end your friendship.
To determine whether you tell your friend the truth of what happened depends on your motivation for doing so. If you choose to tell her because you feel guilty and you want to lessen that burden, then telling only serves to lighten your load and place it on her shoulders to bear. Likewise, if you tell her what happened because you now recognize you have strong feelings for her fiancé, your confession is only self-serving. On the other hand, if your reason is because you betrayed your friend's trust and acted in a way that is contrary to how 'true friends' treat each other, then your motivation is rooted in taking responsibility for your behavior and asking her to forgive your transgression. Here your motivation is one of living with integrity.
Marriage is very serious and requires each individual to be committed to the other. A high level of maturity is needed in order to remain committed and work through the troubles and bad times that are inevitable in any marriage. Putting the needs of someone else ahead of your own is not easy. The fiancé clearly has not reached that level of maturity or self-control prior to the marriage. When he put his excitement and arousal ahead of the woman he intends to marry, he demonstrated that at this time he is not capable of being in a committed relationship. This would explain his thinking that your affair can be kept a secret between you both.
While he may not choose to tell this woman the truth of his behavior that is his right and burden to bear. The decision of whether you tell your friend the truth needs to be solely independent of her fiancé's decision. You'll need to decide what the right thing for you to do is, because you're going to have to live the decision you make.
~~Lori
